Tuesday, July 11, 2006
You would think I would know better
I did an HPT. My beta isn't until Friday and I did the unthinkable last night. What is wrong with me? Well at least I know that the trigger is out of my system. I am disgusted with myself. I went into the bathroom like a drug addict looking for my next fix. I found an old pregnancy test and just like alwasy there was one glaring line reminding me that I am still barren. Wahhhh. I need today to be a very productive day and it's going to be hard with this hanging over my head. Why did I do this to myself? This will help with the baseball situation which follows.
This is a long and extremely complex issue and I hope that I can sum this up without being too confusing.
My in-laws live across the street from us (think Everybody Loves Raymond). My mother in law and her sister are pack rats to a disturbing level. My in laws have 4 full sheds in the backyard, 3 storage units, and a 3000 sq ft house filled with junk. Imagine if you only threw away 5% of what actually made it into your garbage can and the rest accumulated in your house over 20 years. This combined with an overzealous desire to shop for crap they don't need but buy for the simple reason that it's on sale makes for a whole lot of crap. We spend a lot of time playing rubiks cube with the crap and furniture in the house and storage units. We move it around but it never goes away. This frustrates me but I have learned to accept it.
I don't really like Paul's family. They are whiny, socially awkward, and sometimes downright rude. There are also issues of alcoholism within the family.
For Fathers Day Paul's sister, Kathy, got her father tickets to a baseball game and invited us. This was prior to our cycle beginning. He agreed to go. Part of what bugs me about his family is that they only do things together on major holidays and never spend time together. They follow this behavior with statements describing how close they are as a family. I don't really want to go to this baseball game because I don't really like them but it's the right thing to do so I said I would go.
The problem becomes the day we agreed to go to this baseball game is the day of my beta. If it is BFN I will be very sad and not really in the mood to go to a baseball game, not to mention any tolerance that I have stored up for his family will be somewhat diminished. If it is BFP I will probably be tired, scared, and excited and just wanting to be alone with Paul.
He said that I don't really want to go to the baseball game, which is true, and that I am just looking for an excuse not to go, which is not true. I realize that in a marriage sometimes you have to make concessions and do things you don't want to do just to make the other person happy. This was one of those times. He also said that he didn't understand why I complain about how they never do anything together and don't want to participate when they are doing something together.
I then denied complaining that they never do stuff together reminding him that we do stuff as a family together all the time. We move furniture together. (hugely sarcastic, in case that didn't come through clearly over cyberwaves).
Then he walked away.
I can see why he would assume that. I am not known for a loving relationship with his family.
We are better now. I have decided to go to the game.
The question has been raised why I didn't have much hope for this cycle. I have had two surgeries for endo within 15 months. I am sure I have quite a lot of scar tissue in the general area where fertilization and implantation needs to be taking place. Even though I had quite a good response to the menopur my body doesn't quite create the perfect environment for a fertilized egg to make a home. I am sure the area around my fallopian tubes looks like a maze to an egg and a sperm.
I am going to pull myself out of this pity party and move on. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
posted by Emily | 6:44 AM | 1 comments
This is a long and extremely complex issue and I hope that I can sum this up without being too confusing.
My in-laws live across the street from us (think Everybody Loves Raymond). My mother in law and her sister are pack rats to a disturbing level. My in laws have 4 full sheds in the backyard, 3 storage units, and a 3000 sq ft house filled with junk. Imagine if you only threw away 5% of what actually made it into your garbage can and the rest accumulated in your house over 20 years. This combined with an overzealous desire to shop for crap they don't need but buy for the simple reason that it's on sale makes for a whole lot of crap. We spend a lot of time playing rubiks cube with the crap and furniture in the house and storage units. We move it around but it never goes away. This frustrates me but I have learned to accept it.
I don't really like Paul's family. They are whiny, socially awkward, and sometimes downright rude. There are also issues of alcoholism within the family.
For Fathers Day Paul's sister, Kathy, got her father tickets to a baseball game and invited us. This was prior to our cycle beginning. He agreed to go. Part of what bugs me about his family is that they only do things together on major holidays and never spend time together. They follow this behavior with statements describing how close they are as a family. I don't really want to go to this baseball game because I don't really like them but it's the right thing to do so I said I would go.
The problem becomes the day we agreed to go to this baseball game is the day of my beta. If it is BFN I will be very sad and not really in the mood to go to a baseball game, not to mention any tolerance that I have stored up for his family will be somewhat diminished. If it is BFP I will probably be tired, scared, and excited and just wanting to be alone with Paul.
He said that I don't really want to go to the baseball game, which is true, and that I am just looking for an excuse not to go, which is not true. I realize that in a marriage sometimes you have to make concessions and do things you don't want to do just to make the other person happy. This was one of those times. He also said that he didn't understand why I complain about how they never do anything together and don't want to participate when they are doing something together.
I then denied complaining that they never do stuff together reminding him that we do stuff as a family together all the time. We move furniture together. (hugely sarcastic, in case that didn't come through clearly over cyberwaves).
Then he walked away.
I can see why he would assume that. I am not known for a loving relationship with his family.
We are better now. I have decided to go to the game.
The question has been raised why I didn't have much hope for this cycle. I have had two surgeries for endo within 15 months. I am sure I have quite a lot of scar tissue in the general area where fertilization and implantation needs to be taking place. Even though I had quite a good response to the menopur my body doesn't quite create the perfect environment for a fertilized egg to make a home. I am sure the area around my fallopian tubes looks like a maze to an egg and a sperm.
I am going to pull myself out of this pity party and move on. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
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