baseline u/s

I had my baseline u/s and bloodwork yesterday. It's funny how what we hope for changes. In the past when I would have an u/s we would always be on the lookout for ovarian cysts. Always on the lookout for that evil endometrioma. But after ovulating on my last cycle now we're keeping our eyes peeled for cysts that might be filled with clear fluid warning us perhaps that I'm not responding as nicely to lupron as we hope. In the past during an u/s we would hope for no cyst of course but a fluid filled cysts is always better than an endometrioma. Now, a clear fluid filled cyst is bad news because it means hormones are being released. And hormones are now bad. Apparently. Sometimes, I can barely keep up. Later, hormones will be good. I'm still not sure when the switch happens. Either way, we're hoping we can keep ovulation at bay. Ovulation=bad. Not sure when that happened either. They sent me for bloodwork also and I've gotten a little particular about which phlebotomist I prefer to see. Yesterday, I got the one that pokes. Most of the time during a blood draw the person who is drawing my blood will slide the the needle into my arm. Not this girl. She pokes. It's like she's throwing a dart into my vein. Not particularly painful but definitely strange. Yesterday, she poked and when she pulled the needle out I bled. And bled. And bled like I have never bled before. She also wasn't shy about noticing that I have plenty of scar tissue built up on my vein. Yeah, it's time to find a new phlebotomist. Or at least a new location.

the most obnoxious display of fertility i've ever seen

I am so cranky today. I slept horribly last night thanks to a very barky dog which always scares the crap out of me. Especially when my car has recently been broken into. And I remember at 2am that I left Paul's pay stubs in the car. And I can't remember whether or not I've locked the car. So take this gripe about the fertiles of the world with the proverbial grain of salt.

I was out driving today and saw this cholo driving his pimped out Ford Courier. And on the back, proudly announcing his daughter painted on his back window was "It's a girl 8/23/07"

I wanted to vomit. A display announcing his ability to procreate. Yeah. Just what we are all dying to read. I wonder if he knows that he didn't invent procreation. Ugh!

I can't wait until this weekend is over

I went to pick up Paul from the airport on Friday night. He hadn't been feeling well. I always forget how much I despise having a sick husband until I have one. The pathetic noises. The whining. The neediness. We stayed in most of the day Saturday and there are few things I hate more than being unproductive. It was the most unproductive day we've had in a long time. Around 7:30 I couldn't handle it any longer. I needed to run to the mall to try and have some pictures printed and to the grocery store. Something, anything just to feel productive. Our neighbor is outside and tells us that her dog has been killed. I would have more empathy for this woman if she wouldn't let her dogs roam the neighborhood. Supposedly the dog has been killed by pit bulls that live down the street. This wouldn't be a problem if she kept her dogs in her own yard but I digress. We are talking about the decline of our neighborhood when I look down into my car to discover the contents of my glove compartment all over my front seat. Great! Someone has been in my car. Tragically this is not the first time our car has been broken into. Fortunately nothing of value was taken. I am still listening to my whining neighbor when I look down at my ignition and yelp. Apparently it wasn't enough to disrupt the contents of my glove compartment but the idiots have to attempt to steal my car as well. Here's the thing that pisses me off the most. If you aren't sure you can steal a car don't even bother attempting. Now, I just have to pay to replace the ignition. Nobody gained anything. Sure I would have been extraordinarily angry had my car actually been stolen but I feel like this is an even bigger waste. The obnoxious idiots that have no idea how to steal a car got nothing. And now I'm out at least $500. The best part is I have only a one car garage and driveway so my car was parked in the street. Actually, to be entirely accurate my car was parked directly behind my driveway blocking my other vehicle. Now, they have done such a number on my ignition that I can't turn the key at all which means I can't even put the car in neutral to push it out of the way. We are stuck at home. We are now both sick. And if it's possible even more cranky than before. When the police officer shows up the neighbor who is upset about her dead dog comes out, interrupts us and rants, raves, and vents to the cop about her poor dog. Yeah, thanks. Don't mind me. What does she expect? She has no proof. She doesn't even bother apologizing about interrupting us. We manage to escape and file our police report without any other drama. All in all a pretty uneventful event. We're supposed to leave for Hobbs tomorrow but unless Paul miraculously heals overnight I think that is going to have to wait at least a day or two. Well, at least it will give us time to get the car into the dealership. Ugh. Is it Monday, yet?

A child's faith

There is a family at church that I enjoy a great deal. The father, J, is an FBI agent. He's recently agreed to serve in Afghanistan. This, of course is quite concerning to everyone who cares about him and his family, especially to his wife L. He left for Afghanistan on Tuesday. L was fretting about him leaving when her son, K walked up to her, put his arm around her neck and said, "don't worry Mom, Dad is the ultimate soldier." He's eleven years old and the faith that he has that his dad will be all right astounds me. Yeah, J will be all right. After all, he's the ultimate soldier.

And then it comes all at once

Sorry for the lack of an update. I've been a little too bummed out to go back and rehash everything.

Paul and I showed up at the clinic bright and early so he could make his contribution. We left. It felt a little weird to be so removed from the process. Here we were leaving half of our babies genetic material at the lab, leaving everything in their control and we were just expected to go home and what...grocery shop. Yeah, that was strange. They said the egg donor was supposed to show up at 10:30am for her retrieval. I asked when information would be available and they said how busy they were and to call the next day in the afternoon for fertilization rates etc. So imagine my surprise when my doctor calls. I missed the call on my cell, knew it was my clinic and called them back. When my wonderful doctor hopped on the line I couldn't even figure out what was up. He started talking and I could barely keep up. My brain just couldn't absorb what he was saying or why it was important. I ovulated. On lupron. Who in the hell ovulates on lupron? That is bad. Once ovulation occurs one's body starts producing progesterone. Hence our problem. Once progesterone enters the picture there is a small window when an embryo will attach to the uterus. This I didn't know until my cycle started falling apart. My poor, poor doctor who had to explain this to me, not once, not twice, but three freaking times before I finally got up to speed. God bless him. There is no way to confirm when I ovulated so putting embies back didn't seem like the best idea. We decided to freeze the embies on day 2 and try again next month. Now, for the good news. Wait, scratch that. Great news. 21 eggs retrieved. And 21 eggs fertilized. We don't have any idea on quality because of how early they were frozen but since we're focusing on the positive I will repeat again. 21 frozen embies! Awesome! It's an odd feeling I tell you, to have my embryos sitting in a lab. All I want to do is sit in the lab with them 24 hours a day and hold their little petri dish. I love those little embryos like I have never loved anything else before.

I sat around and thought about the beginning of our TTC journey. Our first pregnancy was conceived that exact same weekend that I might have ovulated. And then hope started creeping in that I might magically conceive on a natural cycle. It's all that "meant to be" crap. What a load of crap is my current standing on the theories of "meant to be". I started my period on Fridayish and mostly Saturday.

So, we are back at square one. Currently we are back on BCP's and iron and colace, and baby aspirin. And on Sunday, we start lupron. Again. At least we're doing a higher dose. Here come the hot flashes. Again.

information comes in little tiny pieces

So, I haven't updated in a little while. Information is coming in very small insignificant bits at a time. It seems silly to write two sentences of an update. So I have collected all relevant information and this is my attempt to keep the internets up to date.

My donor is having her ER right now. As I type this. I am hoping for her. I am praying for her. I am praying for my doctor that the procedure can go smoothly and his hands be guided to the perfect eggs that will make a baby for us. Paul and I made our appearance at the office so he could make his contribution. As of yesterday, she had around ten follies on each side. They are going to use ICSI to fertilize so hopefully we'll have lots of quality embies to choose from. My lining is thick and fluffy around 13mm. My E2 was 381 as of Friday. Not sure what it was yesterday but they said they would call if there was an issue. Lots of deep breaths for me. One minute I am full of hope and optimism and the next my heart is in my throat and I am on the verge of tears. Everything is so beyond my control. I hate that. I just want to sit at the clinic and be with my embryos. I can call the clinic tomorrow after 2pm (MST) to get details on how many eggs were retrieved, how many fertilized, and whether we will be doing a 3dt or a 5dt. Lots of pacing and deep breaths until then. Tonight we are doing a temple session. I spoke to my friend Miriam yesterday and she dropped the bombshell on me that she is moving. On Friday. Wah! I invited her to do the session with us tonight and she is going to be there. Her brother is going to the temple for the first time tonight because he is going on his mission in a month or two. I can't wait to see her and hoping that this evening will help me to feel peace and calm as we wait out these next few day. Have I mentioned how stressful cycling is?

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.