It's official

The ball is rolling. Our cycle has begun. I am taking BCP's. I have my calendar. The donor has started BCP's. The donor has her calendar. Wow. This is the first time I have cycled in almost a year. The range of emotions I am feeling has taken me completely off guard. One minute I'm terrified, the next I'm hopeful, the next I'm excited, followed by nervousness. I can't decided how I'm feeling.

It hasn't been without a few snags however. Our first choice donor backed out a few weeks ago. I called the DE coordinator and she was going to call our first choice and see where she was in our cycle and get things moving with her. First choice donor called her back and said she wasn't sure she wanted to cycle again. She called back and said she had made up her mind. She had decided not to cycle again. The stupid thing is I actually felt rejected. After the total coincidence of finding out who she was I really felt like it was a sign that she was "the one." I guess not. Maybe it was just me being hopeful. I don't really know nor do I feel like dwelling on it.

So we moved on to our second choice. Donor #2 is actually a closer match to me ethnically. Picking a donor is not an easy process. I originally wanted someone who is tall like me and the same ethnicity which presents a bit of a problem. The issue is that my father is Caucasian and my mother is Mexican. The Mexicans are not known for their statuesque proportions. It presented a bit of a conundrum. I ultimately decided I wanted someone tall. First choice donor was very tall and had very tall relatives but her ethnicity was entirely Caucasian. Second choice donor has a Mexican father and a Caucasian mother. And she's 5'7" which I'm told is still relatively tall. Her brothers are fairly tall also and her sisters are tall so I don't have anything to complain about. She is actually a pretty close match to me. When we got word that our first choice donor had backed out I was out of town and I didn't have my donor profiles with me so I had to let the DE coordinator know how I wanted to proceed. I told her to move forward with our second choice and a week later we headed home. Shortly after making it home I pulled out the donor profiles and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. I knew that we were making the right decision and that even though our second choice wasn't our initial choice I really feel like she was who we were meant to cycle with.

Our new donor has really good stats as well. She has already cycled so she knows what to expect. She has two children and she responded really well in her other cycle. They retrieved 25 eggs. 21 fertilized. They transferred two quality two blasts. Seven embryos could have been frozen. There were two compact morulas that maybe could have been frozen. The couple that she cycled for didn't want to freeze embryos so they were destroyed. She had good fert rates. It appears she produced good embryos. The recipient didn't get pregnant but sometimes these things just don't work.

My only job now is to take my prenatals, iron, colace, BCP's on a consistent basis. It drives Paul nuts that I don't take prenatals on a regular basis but frankly I don't need a daily reminder that I'm barren. In the meantime I'm thinking positively and swallowing a fistful of pills every morning.

How pathetic is this?

Today. Today I peed on a stick. I know. It's utterly pathetic. I stopped peeing on sticks over a year ago. I stopped peeing on sticks when it became a choice of buying more of the evil pee sticks or buying groceries. But for some pathetic reason I thought that maybe just maybe we would be able to achieve a natural pregnancy after getting sealed. It pisses me off that I even thought that. It doesn't do justice to all of the wonderful members of the church who are already sealed and dealing with infertility. It insults all of the wonderful people who have dealt with and are currently dealing with infertility who are not members of the church. I have banished the idiotic thoughts and commanded them never to return but in that stoopid moment of weakness I peed on a stick. Please no bashing. I feel badly enough.

During my momentary lapse in judgment I found a sad little bit of irony. I think it was two summers ago that I bought a bag of dixie cups. I was so sick of peeing on my fingers and the like that I bought a bag of cups. Today when I went to pull out my stash of cups that I keep in the bathroom for just this purpose I realized that I only have two cups left. Holy night! That is probably hundreds of dollars wasted on those evil pee sticks. Evil is right!

By the way, it was glaringly negative.

Please don't wake me up.

A recent exchange between Paul and me.

We were home in the afternoon cuddled up for an afternoon nap and Paul tried to have a very simple conversation with me. He wasn't very successful. It went something like this.

Paul: Hey Em, where is the remote?
Me: uhhh, near my phone...I think.
Paul: Where is your phone?
Me: uhhh, in my purse.
Paul: Where is your purse?
Me (in a thoroughly exasperated tone): What are you looking for?

Yeah, please don't interrupt my precious sleep. It's not likely that it will get you anywhere. By the way, I have no recollection of this conversation. Thanks to Paul for amusing me with this tale over dinner.

A very sympathetic 2WW

So the donor just finished cycling for another couple. And after a sympathetic stressful 2WW I am happy to report a BFP for the other recipient. If only I can be so lucky. I spoke to the IVF coordinator this morning and she is going to call the donor, make sure that all is good and start the process for the donor all over again. AF is about two and a half weeks away and I will start BCP's which marks the beginning of my cycle. This is really happening!

People say the dumbest things pt 2

I really didn't think this was going to have a sequel but this was priceless.

I had my semi annual teeth cleaning today. The hygentist that I see is the same one I've seen since I was probably six. She knows me. She knows my entire family. So she comments on the fact that my sister has had a baby. I respond and say that I'm happy for her which is the absolute truth. Her next comment floors me. She says, "I just can't believe that a person like YOUR sister who has never made a correct decision in her life gets to be pregnant while you have been trying all this long time." Now, I feel guilty for being mad at her for such a comment. I am always trying to get people to be more sensitive to the infertiles. So she was sensitive towards me...at the expense of my sister. It pissed me off but who I am to say anything. She had a fistful of sharp instruments in my mouth. My sister has made a lot of mistakes. She didn't graduate from high school. She did a whole lot of drugs in high school and ran away from home. But she has done way more things right than done things wrong. She has gotten herself out of all of those bad situations and really turned her life around. It's easy for my life to healthy and normal because it's always been that way. I think anyone who has had their life be in the crapper and was able to turn it around deserves major kudos not judgment and hostility.

Then, Nancy the hygentist moves on to my brother. She said that she saw him last week for a cleaning and he was all dressed up for work. He is doing some sales job. She then proceeds to berate his job and her final comment about my brother was, "wow, I really thought he would amount to something. Hmmm, I guess not." Ok, what the hell is this womans problem? And why does she keep insulting my family...to my face no less.

I was a total coward and I didn't say a word to her about how rude she was being. But then I left the dentist and heard her toxic comments over and over again in my head. So I called the office back and spoke to the dentist and asked him to switch me to a different hygentist. I was really hoping she would call to apologize so I could say all of the things to defend my family that I should have said to begin with.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.