Dragging my feet

I promised my sister that I would make her baby shower invitations. I have ordered the supplies. They have arrived. I can't get going. I am practicing the ever popular avoidance technique. Maybe if I don't go into the office where I would have to do something with the supplies it will all just go away. Maybe the invitations will make themselves. Maybe Paul will make them for me. Maybe I will wake up and her pregnancy will all just be a bad dream.

There was yet another pregnancy announcement this weekend. My cousin told me that her younger brother has impregnated his wife. How lucky! His DNA. Her DNA. A fun night in the sack with minimal thought of OPK's, ovulation, sperm counts etc. What a concept. Infertility has taken over my life. I can't remember life before the heartache of infertility. I had a cold two weekends ago. I was so congested. I was positively miserable. I couldn't help but think that you don't really appreciate something until you don't have it anymore... like breathing through your nose. After you are better for a period of time you forget how miserable you were when you couldn't breathe. The inconvenience of a cold soon fades in our memory. I wonder, after my family is complete will the pain of infertility ever fade? Will I forget that a pregnancy announcement feels like a knife to my heart every time? I have to admit that I'm on the fence about this. It would be nice to forget and to just be able to feel normal for a bit but infertility has become such a big part of who I am. It is part of what defines me. It is a part of what I can credit with my maturity and my personal growth. I can thank infertility for teaching me compassion and empathy. Infertility has strengthened marriage. I have accepted it but I am still trying to embrace it.

Snow

I used to think that snow was so beautiful. It is in fact beautiful but not for long. In New Mexico it snows and it's beautiful but it melts. It snowed last week on Valentines Day and there is still snow...EVERYWHERE! It doesn't melt here. It gets piled up into giant snow mountains in parking lots and on the side of the road and then it gets dirty and black and honestly kind of ugly. I think I prefer it at home where it melts the very next day. It leaves you eagerly awaiting the next storm. It leaves you without resentment towards the winter weather. And it leaves me with one more reason to love my home state.

A Spat Over Parenting Styles

and we don't even have children...yet.

We are staying in a hotel in MA that is in a lovely area. It is a nice quiet hotel until the migitoids arrive. There is a sports center right across the street from our hotel where there is an ice rink. I have never seen the sports center being utilized because we are here for work and we are here only during the week. We have discovered that on the weekend the sports center comes to life with a pack of children and their siblings and their parents with lots and lots of hockey gear. Our formerly very quiet hotel had turned quite noisy. They arrived on Friday night. At 10:30 pm there was still running through out the halls, shouting, door slamming etc. Ok, I'll admit it. I've turned into kind of a grump. I expect that parents will encourage their children to behave. We ate breakfast at the hotel on Saturday morning which was a huge mistake. We should have gone to a restaurant. There was pastry ground into the carpet, crumbs everywhere and children running around. I know that kids will be kids but is it too unreasonable to ask that act like adults a little bit of the time. These were not toddlers; there was no reason that food should have been ground into the carpet. The whole situation just makes me irritable. Paul cannot possibly understand why I got so upset. He just doesn't think it's any big deal to have children being noisy and disruptive. This led to a huge discussion about what is acceptable and what is not. It was frankly just too heavy of a topic for a Saturday morning...so we went to Cape Cod. It was lovely there. Cold but beautiful. We managed to find a restaurant there that specialized in so called Mexican food. Being from New Mexico we were somewhat skeptical and we ordered sandwiches. A picture from the Cape!

Valentines Day for the infertile

The northeast got quite a snowstorm yesterday. I can barely drive in the rain much less the snow. I decided not to even leave the hotel yesterday which resulted in a little bit of stir craziness for me. I'm hoping to venture out today.

Since dealing with IF Christmas has felt like the worst holiday ever invented. I despise the commercialism of the holiday and I generally feel horrible for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can only imagine that is how single people who want to be in a relationship feel between New Year's and Valentines Day. Paul spent a few Valentines Day's with those exact sentiments. So I was really pleased yesterday when, because of snow, we hung out with Paul's coworkers, ordered Chinese, and played some cards. Paul has two coworkers who are married and are traveling without their spouses. It is during moments like these that I am grateful for IF. It becomes easier to set my feelings aside and be empathetic to my single friends, acquaintances who are without loved ones on this holiday.

On the road again

Dear Zeus it is cold in the Northeast! We flew out here yesterday and I love it but it is hard to get used to the cold. I am hoping to get in touch with a few friends while we're out here so I have plenty to keep me busy.

We've been flying a lot recently which makes me wonder about plane manners. When I would travel as a child I not allowed to lean my seat back. My dad is tall and it gives him even less leg room in an already crowded situation. I find myself feeling the same way. The man in front of me yesterday leaned his seat back the entire flight. Why is his comfort more important than mine? Paul thinks I am weird that this is so bothersome to me. He also talked to his neighbor the entire flight. There is nothing more pleasant to me that a quiet flight with only the white noise of the airplane. I absolutely dread the announcement that cell phone use is now permitted while we taxi to the gate. Inevitably someone near me feels the need to call someone and blather on, loudly I might add about something entirely dull and non emergent. Why do people think that they are so fascinating that their conversations are entertaining to the general public?

I am going to attempt to contact a couple of clinics in Boston today with the hopes that there will have been a cancellation in the next two weeks so I can be seen while I am here. I am being urged to pursue IVF with DE with my current RE and I just think it would be wise to have a second or even third opinion before we move forward.

Arrgghhhh! I feel like I am in high school again.

I am having a moment of insecurity that is rooted in my extreme high school nerdiness that I can't seem to shake. My friend is between job contracts currently and is living with us until July. When did she become so cool and fabulous? Friends aren't supposed to make you feel bad about yourself She doesn't mean to. I know she doesn't. But I feel like the weird awkward girl again. The one who can't figure out how to do her make up. The one who wears clothes that are frumpy and out of style. Suddenly, in my own house I feel like the one who doesn't fit in. I feel like I don't belong. Which brings me to IF once again. She is single and she has fabulous single friends. She showers at 4pm and gets ready to hit the town and parties until the wee hours. I am married and boring. I fall asleep during Leno. I don't know where I belong. I am Mormon which means that everyone in my social circle from church has not one, not two, but three or possibly more children. These are women that are my age! I have none. I have a husband who is nine years older than me which means that he has already done the "party until the wee hours" scene. I missed it because I wanted to be married and I wanted to be a mother. Well, I'm married but motherhood eludes me. I don't fit anywhere.

a little more blogging

Monday, February 05, 2007

a little more blogging

A little less babysteps and a little more blogging is my new motto. I feel like each blog should be paragraphs and paragraphs but it's my blog and I can blog as much or as little as I want; hopefully it will just be more often.

Paul has a new job. He travels all the time...literally. He is typically gone three weeks out of the month. I am so lucky because I am able to travel with him. He travels to the East Coast a lot which is a ton of fun for me because there is lots of great shopping and historical stuff to do. The downside is that he also has to travel to Hobbs, NM which is the armpit of the state. It is not a fun place. I have implemented a new policy that I have a one week per month limit to spending time in Hobbs. The truth is I just don't like small towns.

I saw my RE last before the holidays and because my FSH is high and my ovaries are being eaten alive by the endo he had recommended DE which if I don't try and think too hard about doesn't bother me. I just can't dedicate too much thought to the fact that I won't be biologically related to my child even though I would carry my child. Does that even make sense?

We are going to attempt this sometime over the summer. We will need to refinance the house in order to pay for the fresh cycle but it won't affect our payment too much. Before we attempt to cycle I will need to have yet another lap. (sigh) It will probably either in April or June. I am supposed to call the RE with my March period. Come on March!

BFV

Friday, November 24, 2006

BFV

That stands for Big Fat Vent!!!

I am really trying to be a more positive person and not be so gripey about my IF but tonight I am afraid that is just not possible.

I think I mentioned a while back that my sister is pregnant. My sister is four years younger than me and has had a rather unpleasant life that she made for herself. She did major drugs in high school, ran away from home, etc, etc. She is married now, to somewhat of a loser, but is relatively stable. I would go insane if I had her life but compared to what it used to be her life is better by leaps and bounds.

She just hit the second trimester and she has a SIL that suffered through major IF, a couple of failed IVF's and is now pregnant on a natural cycle. The SIL has a babybeat and my sister called me tonight to ask me if I wanted to hear the heartbeat. I have never once been mean or nasty to her regarding this pregnancy. In fact I have been somewhat of her advocate with our family. They think it's not a good idea for her to be pregnant and wish I was pregnant instead. I have been rather supportive of her in this pregnancy but I sure as hell don't want to hear the freaking heartbeat. I have had three m/c and never once got to hear the heartbeat. It was always devastating for me, still is actually.

I told her that it was insensitive of her to call me and ask me that after which she chewed me out and promptly hung up on me. I hate being hung up on!!! It's so childish and rude. Then she text messaged me chewing me out again, saying that I am the bad guy and that I hurt her feelings by not being more interested in her pregnancy. Oh brother, can we please act like adults and speak over the phone instead of having a little text messaging spat. She asked me if I would make her baby announcements and baby shower invites and I said yes and somehow I am not interested enough in this stupid pregnancy. Give me a break! This is what I hate about newly pregnant people, new parents, all in the fertile category of course; they think that their abiltity to procreate makes them genetically superior, they think that they invented procreation, they think that the sun rises and sets in this new life that they have created. This is why I should keep my negative feelings in check, by the way. I get way too nasty when I let them make an appearance.

Follow up with the RE

Follow up with RE

I had the big follow up with my doctor last week. Last month I had a CCCT and this month I had another HSG. We did an u/s which was good. My HSG showed that my right tube is now blocked which is not good but I have had the endo recur three times on the right but I've only had one endometrioma on the left. So the bad ovary connected to the crappy fallopian tube is good news right?? Well it could be worse so I am actually feeling ok about that. The bad news is that my CCCT showed an elevated FSH around 16. My doctors reccomendation was to have surgery yet again but this time only a laparoscopy to attempt the open the tube or remove it and the same thing with the right ovary, fix it or get it out. He thinks that my tube being blocked could negatively impact implantation for an IVF cycle. We would do the lap in order prep my body for IVF, to hopefully make it as receptive as possible for a pregnancy. He is reccomending DE because my FSH is high and my ovaries are basically crappy after two surgeries already. I want to wait until next summer to attempt this for financial reasons. The cost for DE at my clinic is ~17K which is daunting. Before embarking on IVF w/ DE would you seek a second opinion? There is only one other RE in my area. I have a friend who sees him. She did a fresh cycle and was really overstimulated. She had 38 follicles, 32 retrieved, 21 icsi'd and frozen. They did not do a transfer because of OHSS. Also his clinic is partially in Colorado Springs which is a six hour drive away from me. I would have to travel for ER and ET which is obviously not really very desirable. I guess my question is "do I need a second opinion?" We may do a few IUI with injectables cycles before next summer though.

I had my third HSG a few weeks ago

I had my third HSG a few weeks ago

We have had a run of bad news recently.

I did a CCCT in the month of October that showed that I have diminished ovarian reserve which is not a big surprise given that large chunks of ovary have been removed in surgery due to my severe endo. I had an HSG in January of this year that showed that both tubes were open which was good. Because I had reoccurance of the endo while on lupron two months after I had surgery in March my doctor wanted to do another HSG. This was my third HSG overall. It showed that my right tube is now blocked. (sigh) Now that I have had three HSG's I have a tiny bit of advice to dispense. I realise that most people on this board are past this stage of testing but if know someone who is about to endure this yucky test it might be worth passing on. On my first HSG I took a little bit of tylenol and it hurt like hell, the second time I took 600 or 800 mg of Ibuprofen and it helped somewhat, still hurt but not nearly so bad, this time I requested valium and my doctor warned me, saying "ok, big cramp coming" and I said "what cramp?". I didn't feel a thing. It was wonderful. So my pearls of wisdom are Valium and HSG's should go hand in hand, always. I usually get a little verbally slutty while on drugs to make me relax and this time was no exception. I was laying on the table in waiting for my doctor to get started and he was fussing with his tools and my mouth got the better of me. Usually I see him in scrubs and cowboy boots, (gotta love New Mexico) but today he was wearing black slacks, a lovely yellow shirt and a beautiful tie to match. He looked great! He is young, probably mid- thirties, and he is pretty cute. So, while laying on the table, I looked over at him and said, "You look pretty" in a loopy, somewhat ditzy voice. He laughed at me and said "and you're in a hospital gown" while sort of chuckling. I wish someone would follow me around with tape to place over my mouth the next time I have to take valium. Oh well.

I really feel disconnected to all of this bad news. I don't know if I am starting to give up or if I am expecting things to go badly, or if I am just handling things better. I wish I could figure out what my next move will be. I am really in limbo and usually that bothers me but right now I don't really care. The not caring is what is bothering me.

What a crazy week

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

what a crazy week

My life has been a whirlwind this week and it's only Wednesday.

Last week Paul and I had lunch on Friday and I suggested that we take a weekend trip to Colorado. We decided to go to Ouray and Telluride. We left that evening when he got home from work and came home on Sunday. It was lovely. The trees were beautiful and it was so nice to get away. Paul's boss called him when we were on our way to Ouray and asked him to do a courtesy interview. Paul works for a company that subcontracts its employees out to other companies. His company was trying to pick up some additional work and had agreed to provide people for their potential client to interview. Someone backed out at the last minute which is why they asked Paul to do a courtesy interview. Paul does the interview on Monday morning. He was one of four people to interview and this company asked specifically for him. Well that kind of threw us into a tailspin because the design work is happening primarily on the East Coast, mostly in New Jersey, Massachusetts, and some in Dallas. There will also be some international travel possible to England and/or Holland. This work would only be for a year so it would be silly for us to relocate. They want him to just do a LOT of business travel for the next year. He said he would be open to that as long as I could go too. They are trying to negotiate a new rate for him that would give us enough money for my travel and expenses as well. This change in job is also a promotion for Paul as well. He would be the first in a series of project controllers and would be the department head for them in this project. We are so excited. I am so proud of him. We will be spending 3/4 of the month away from home but it doesn't matter because we will be together. :-&

Monday night my mom called me and she said she had bad news. Bad news always is code for "someone's pregnant". I am used to this and she always handles things with sensitivity. She told me that my sister is pregnant. The sting of the news was especially poignant. My sister has not made her life easy. She was a mess while she was a teenager. She ran away for weeks at a time, spent some time in jail, spent some time in a mental hospital and spent a lot of time on drugs. She created her own problems and suffered the consequences of those problems. She is married now and has been for a year and a half but she still has issues. Her husband can be kind of a flake and is jobless sometimes. They live with his mother in the Midwest. She is still doing drugs, I think just pot, but still that can't be good. She didn't want this pregnancy and she isn't particularly excited about it. I think she has infertility problems as well but she was grateful for them. She considered it to be cheap birth control. She called my mom over the weekend and told her and was upset to tell me. My whole family was upset to tell me. What have I done to make everyone so afraid of me?? I know exactly what I have done; I have acted poorly in the past. I am so upset with myself. I am stealing my sisters happiness. My mom and my grandma have said that they can't be happy for her while Paul and I are suffering so much. That isn't fair to my poor sister. Her situation is bad enough. We don't need to make it worse. It was really sweet of my parents and grandparents to be so concerned about us though. I will never forget their kindness. When it finally happens for us they will be so excited for us. I just wish they could feel that for my sister. My dad said to my mom he had been praying for the wrong thing. He told her he had been praying to become a grandfather but he should have been more specific in his prayers. He should have been praying for me to get pregnant. My dad's spirituality is very private and it was neat for me to hear that.

I got my period a few days late and my third HSG will be Monday. I got a Rx for valium this time. Three cheers for valium.

Oh, yeah

Monday, October 02, 2006

Oh Yeah...

I have a blog.

School is stressful. Last week was the worst. I had three exams and a paper due. I am a major procrastinator so I waited until the last minute to do everything. Grades were ok. Not great but not horribly unfortunate either. I still have so much to do.

My last IUI failed. Shocker!!! I am out of money. I am tired of making financial sacrifices with no reward. Mostly I'm just tired. My doctor has asked me to do yet another HSG. It will be my third. They hurt. I don't want to do it but I feel like I need to do it. It is justified. I have endo and I have it pretty badly so my tubes could be crushed at any moment. We are also going to do a clomid challenge test. This is just so exhausting. So many people have it so much worse than I do but still this takes the wind out of me. My period was a couple of days late. So of course false hope crept in. Today is cycle day one and this will all get going in a mere moment. I am back in the game for the moment. I keep wondering if we should scrap the infertility treatments and just move to adoption. It feels awful to think about admitting defeat. I guess I am not ready to move to adoption if I feel like making the jump to move to adoption is defeat. It just doesn't do justice to adoption and what a wonderful plan it is.

Oh and my mom called me crying today to tell me that my sister is pregnant.

Back to Cycling

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Back to Cycling

Sorry for the hiatus. There hasn't been anything terribly exciting to report so I haven't blogged.

I did go to Utah for a stamping thing mid July and it was so unbelievably hot I thought I was going to die. Utah is humid compared to New Mexico. I got zero sympathy. Oh well. We were very close to Temple Square and it was lovely. Utah is not someplace I would ever want to spend a long period of time but I do plan on going back for my anniversary in May. Paul has never been and I liked Temple Square enough to want to share it with my husband.

I went back to the doctor when my period started trickling in and had an u/s on cd 2. The endo is primarily on my right ovary. I have given up any hope that this ovary will ever be useful again. My lining measured 10 mm on cd 2 so I was instructed to start meds on Sunday night. Wednesday I had my u/s and follie check and the news is not good. again. This is so depressing. I have only two follicles. They are on the left side and they are decently sized at 12mm and 17mm. Should I call that a silver lining? Last time I responded so well with eight follies; I don't understand why I am responding so poorly this time. I will OPK today and tomorrow and I will probably have the IUI done Saturday morning. I take baked goods to my clinic every time I have a procedure done on the weekend so I need to search recipes for something tasty to make for them on Saturday morning. I picked up the IVF fee schedule and instructions and felt a tiny bit overwhelmed. It is a long process about six weeks. I know I shouldn't complain. I have been dealing with IF since 2002 so six weeks shouldn't seem like that long but geez. My clinic requires that there be at least five follies to retrieve for an IVF cycle not to be cancelled. This has been a rather dull post so on that pathetic note I will say goodbye until next time.

posted by Emily | 9:06 AM | 2 comments

Back to Cycling

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Back to Cycling

Sorry for the hiatus. There hasn't been anything terribly exciting to report so I haven't blogged.

I did go to Utah for a stamping thing mid July and it was so unbelievably hot I thought I was going to die. Utah is humid compared to New Mexico. I got zero sympathy. Oh well. We were very close to Temple Square and it was lovely. Utah is not someplace I would ever want to spend a long period of time but I do plan on going back for my anniversary in May. Paul has never been and I liked Temple Square enough to want to share it with my husband.

I went back to the doctor when my period started trickling in and had an u/s on cd 2. The endo is primarily on my right ovary. I have given up any hope that this ovary will ever be useful again. My lining measured 10 mm on cd 2 so I was instructed to start meds on Sunday night. Wednesday I had my u/s and follie check and the news is not good. again. This is so depressing. I have only two follicles. They are on the left side and they are decently sized at 12mm and 17mm. Should I call that a silver lining? Last time I responded so well with eight follies; I don't understand why I am responding so poorly this time. I will OPK today and tomorrow and I will probably have the IUI done Saturday morning. I take baked goods to my clinic every time I have a procedure done on the weekend so I need to search recipes for something tasty to make for them on Saturday morning. I picked up the IVF fee schedule and instructions and felt a tiny bit overwhelmed. It is a long process about six weeks. I know I shouldn't complain. I have been dealing with IF since 2002 so six weeks shouldn't seem like that long but geez. My clinic requires that there be at least five follies to retrieve for an IVF cycle not to be cancelled. This has been a rather dull post so on that pathetic note I will say goodbye until next time.

posted by Emily | 9:06 AM | 2 comments

It was a BFN

Saturday, July 22, 2006

It was a BFN

I am not pregnant. Again. Oh the frustation. I stopped progesterone suppositories and started my period on Thursday night. I called the RE's office to see what the game plan was going to be for this cycle and they had me come in for an u/s. I asked nurse Trish on the phone if we should wait a cycle. She said no, they only bench if I had produced a ton of eggs. She seemed confident on the phone that I would be cycling. I went in for my u/s and I am benched. I have post-ovulatory cysts on both ovaries. GRRRRR!!!!!! My RE was out of town and I left town on Sunday. I haven't had time to address this with the RE but here are my predictions for the future. The cysts won't go down, they will fill with old blood and become endometriomas and I will be worse off than before. We will see if I am right.

A much happier post to come.

You would think I would know better

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

You would think I would know better

I did an HPT. My beta isn't until Friday and I did the unthinkable last night. What is wrong with me? Well at least I know that the trigger is out of my system. I am disgusted with myself. I went into the bathroom like a drug addict looking for my next fix. I found an old pregnancy test and just like alwasy there was one glaring line reminding me that I am still barren. Wahhhh. I need today to be a very productive day and it's going to be hard with this hanging over my head. Why did I do this to myself? This will help with the baseball situation which follows.

This is a long and extremely complex issue and I hope that I can sum this up without being too confusing.

My in-laws live across the street from us (think Everybody Loves Raymond). My mother in law and her sister are pack rats to a disturbing level. My in laws have 4 full sheds in the backyard, 3 storage units, and a 3000 sq ft house filled with junk. Imagine if you only threw away 5% of what actually made it into your garbage can and the rest accumulated in your house over 20 years. This combined with an overzealous desire to shop for crap they don't need but buy for the simple reason that it's on sale makes for a whole lot of crap. We spend a lot of time playing rubiks cube with the crap and furniture in the house and storage units. We move it around but it never goes away. This frustrates me but I have learned to accept it.

I don't really like Paul's family. They are whiny, socially awkward, and sometimes downright rude. There are also issues of alcoholism within the family.

For Fathers Day Paul's sister, Kathy, got her father tickets to a baseball game and invited us. This was prior to our cycle beginning. He agreed to go. Part of what bugs me about his family is that they only do things together on major holidays and never spend time together. They follow this behavior with statements describing how close they are as a family. I don't really want to go to this baseball game because I don't really like them but it's the right thing to do so I said I would go.

The problem becomes the day we agreed to go to this baseball game is the day of my beta. If it is BFN I will be very sad and not really in the mood to go to a baseball game, not to mention any tolerance that I have stored up for his family will be somewhat diminished. If it is BFP I will probably be tired, scared, and excited and just wanting to be alone with Paul.

He said that I don't really want to go to the baseball game, which is true, and that I am just looking for an excuse not to go, which is not true. I realize that in a marriage sometimes you have to make concessions and do things you don't want to do just to make the other person happy. This was one of those times. He also said that he didn't understand why I complain about how they never do anything together and don't want to participate when they are doing something together.

I then denied complaining that they never do stuff together reminding him that we do stuff as a family together all the time. We move furniture together. (hugely sarcastic, in case that didn't come through clearly over cyberwaves).

Then he walked away.

I can see why he would assume that. I am not known for a loving relationship with his family.

We are better now. I have decided to go to the game.

The question has been raised why I didn't have much hope for this cycle. I have had two surgeries for endo within 15 months. I am sure I have quite a lot of scar tissue in the general area where fertilization and implantation needs to be taking place. Even though I had quite a good response to the menopur my body doesn't quite create the perfect environment for a fertilized egg to make a home. I am sure the area around my fallopian tubes looks like a maze to an egg and a sperm.

I am going to pull myself out of this pity party and move on. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

posted by Emily | 6:44 AM | 1 comments

Ugg, it's been too long

Friday, July 07, 2006

Ugg, it's been too long

This would be a much simpler task if I would do it more often. Here is the reason I don't blog more consistently. I'm a pretty busy (aren't we all?) and use blogging, which I enjoy, as a reward to myself if I have accomplished everything on my to do list. This rarely happens. So I rarely blog. It is a system that isn't really working so I will try something else. We'll see how I do.

The Big News:

I don't respond to lupron. This is a rather unhappy development. I went in for my second and final injection and asked for an ultrasound at which point the doctor discovered that a mere three months after the big surgery I have endo continuing to grow on my ovaries. So we have begun cycling.


Cycling:

I started an injectables IUI cycle on June 22. I did seven days of menopur and triggered on 6/29. I had the IUI on Friday 6/30 and am currently in the beloved 2ww. Beta is 7/14, one week from today. I had a lot of follicles develop and there were several that were 18mm the day before the IUI. I do have high hopes for this cycle but am fully aware that my chances are slim. It is a fine line.

School is going wonderfully. I got A's on the first two math tests and we are entering the home stretch of the summer semester. Fall is my favorite time of year and I'm excited for the fall semester to start.

posted by Emily | 3:52 PM | 1 comments

Picture, anyone?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Picture, anyone??

This is part of a temple in the lovely city of Nara.
I am on the left and Brooke is on the right.

I can't believe it's been more than a month

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I can't believe it's been more than a month

I have been uber busy recently. I desperately needed to finish stuff for school and deprived myself of blogging for motivational purposes. Then......

We went to Japan for two weeks.

I have so much to say I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I could begin at the end. It is 2:30 in the morning here and I am wide awake. My body doesn't know what day it is or whether it is supposed to be awake or asleep. I think it is Thursday morning, the sequel. Travelling across the international date line can be a bit confusing. We had a lot of fun and saw a lot of really neat things. Tomorrow I am taking our film to get developed and hopefully put on a disk and am going to use this opportunity to learn how to post pix on the web.

We went to Japan to visit my childhood friend, Brooke who moved there to teach english. She is my hero. I love her dearly. We have changed so much and she exibits so many of the traits that I admire.

Things that are different in Japan
(that I will elaborate on in a later post)

1. toilets
2. manners
3. cell phone service

It was such an enriching experience. It is somewhat hard for me to try things that are different. But I did, and I am a better person for it.

More to come, hopefully with pix.

I think I just might be a grown up

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I think I might just be a grown-up

I have decided to go back to school. Most of the time it is great but today it was very, very funny. I am twenty five years old so this makes me feel a teeny bit out of place in English 101 which I am taking. There is a boy, Ross, in my class who fits the English 101 profile very well. He is 18 years old and acts 18 years old. He had missed quite a lot of class. Our syllabus states that if we miss more than three class periods we will be dropped. He has missed five classes. He was dropped. Molly, our instructor, was kind enough to drop him before the deadline so on his transcript he will have a dropped class instead of a dropped failing class. In my opinion she did him a favor. Today he shows up 20 minutes late and after class she pulls him aside to tell him that she dropped him where he throws a little temper tantrum. He makes every excuse in the book and ends by telling her that the reason he missed last thursday is because he had a heart attack. Give me a break. A healthy 18 year old has a heart attack and is in class on tuesday acting like nothing happened until he is tragicallyl informed that he has been dropped. It was then that I realized that I think I might just be an adult. I take responsibility for my actions, which is one major difference between me and Ross.

Back to the Bench

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Back to the Bench

I am really, really trying to have a positive outlook about things but am finding it very challenging right now. I had my post-op with Dr C on Friday and he seemed positive but still wants me to be on lupron for two months. I hate lupron, especially in the spring and summer. I live in the desert so it'll be warm here and I will be dealing with hot flashes. At least last time I was on lupron it was during the winter so I could get immediate relief just by going outside. There is a positive side to this and that is that time will pass quickly. We are going to be super busy over the next few months and that will help the time pass quickly. We are going to Denver this next weekend, Easter is the following weekend, I think, I have finals right after that, we go to Japan for two weeks right after finals, a week after we get home is our anniversary, two weeks later is Pauls birthday, and three weeks after his birthday is mine. Then we can finally cycle again. The time just has to pass quickly, it just has to.

My doctor who is optomistic most of the time isn't very optomistic about me. He has said " I haven't seen anyone who has more disease than you do". Ouch. He is a big supporter of trying less invasive treatments before moving to the big guns but with me he suggested two months of injectables followed by IVF. That means that I could potentially be doing IVF in the fall. Where am I going to get this kind of money? Injectables are $1000 per cycle. IVF is 13K. Well if we end up going this route I know we will meet tax deductions for medical expenses this year.

Maybe it is a good thing I will be on the bench for a little while so I can have some time to think carefully about the financial ramifications of all of this. Self payers: How do you do it?

A Great Recovery

Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Great Recovery

Well, I am one week post-op and I feel great. I am driving and off of all pain meds. I am laughing, sneezing, and coughing without any pain. This has got to be the nicest recovery ever. I have had a minor hiccup however. I lost a decent amount of blood during surgery. They waited for it to stabilize and sent me home on Sunday. Tuesday night I was laying on the couch, watching American Idol, when my heart started to race, and race, and race. It felt like I had been doing a strenuous activity like running but I had done nothing of the sort. This continued through House, and Law and Order. I started to be concerned. How long could my little heart keep this up? Not to mention it is a rather uncomfortable feeling. I talked myself out of a 9pm phone call to the RE and decided to get some sleep. I woke up with the same racing heart. It was time to call the doc. Most of the time when I call the RE's office I am told that a nurse will call me back, which is fine, but if you tell them that your heart hurts a nurse is on the phone ASAP. I found this mildly amusing. They had me come in where my heart acted completley normal and my pulse slowed down. Once again my body betrays me and makes me look like a fool. Dr C and nurse Lois were nice to me and made me feel validated. I go back in tomorrow for my post op. Dr C is going to do an ultrasound on me and see if we can see any residual cyst on my ovary. If we can, I will do Lupron, if not I am off the hook. We are hoping for no Lupron.

A little biology lesson: a normal healthy ovary is the size of an almond. The cysts that they took off of each of my ovaries were the size of grapefruits. No wonder they had to do a full incision.

I have been debating whether to post this next bit of info since it is gossipy but the person that it is gossipy about is highly unlikely to see it. The dreaded mother in law. Paul and I had decided before I went into surgery that if I lost my ovaries we weren't going to tell our friends and family. We would pursue egg donation but didn't want our families having full knowledge of that fact. We wanted our potential child to know that they were conceived through egg donation but we wanted to be the ones to tell them and have them be able to decide who else would know. We can always tell people later but once the info is out you can't put it back. I approached our families and said to them" Don't ask what the outcome is regarding my ovaries so we don't have to lie to you". My family accepted this as I knew they would but Paul's mother wasn't as accepting. When I explained our wishes this is what she replied, " So if you say that you still have your ovaries after the surgery does that mean you still have them?" I don't know if I wasn't clear or if she didn't listen or what but she can make me a little batty. I also asked her not to come to the hospital until I was in my room after 6pm. I did this so that when Dr C came out after surgery he could talk to Paul alone and if the news was bad Paul could relay that to me immediately. She waited with him throughout my entire surgery and was with Paul as the doctor delivered the news. Fortunately, my ovaries are still intact so no damage has been done. I am angry with my MIL however. She did exactly what I asked her not to do. She found a way to get the truth though a loophole. She is manipulative and I am beyond frustrated. Our relationship has been rocky and it's about to get rockier. My MIL loves to be over-involved in her children's lives. She loves to be needed. She has overstepped her bounds and needs to be put in her place. I would love ideas from anyone on how to put an overbearing MIL in her place.

I am a bad blogger

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I am a bad bad blogger

My apologies to those who read this blog. It has been an awful long time and I am truly sorry.

First order of business: I am not pregnant. IUI #1, tragically was unsuccessful but life does go on. My period started to make its grand appearance on Saturday and I wasn't scheduled for bloodwork until Monday. I still had to do the bloodwork but at least I wasn't shocked and disappointed on Monday when I talked to the nurse.

Before we knew that IUI #1 had failed I decided that if it failed I was going to just do the surgery for the endo. Yes, there are risks and they are large but since we weren't getting anywhere anyway why not be aggressive.

I think I need to back up here and give a little background info. I had a laparotomy in December '04. I had a large cyst on my right ovary and lots of endo. I did six months of lupron and have tried to get pregnant for the last six months. I did OPK's and got a surge like clockwork every month and didn't get pregnant. We decided that it was time to return to the RE's this past January. Dr C did an ultrasound and I expected that things would look normal on ultrasound. Instead, I received quite a shock. I now have cysts on both ovaries that are quite large. He recommended surgery to get cleaned out. He was willing to try IUI's but his primary recommendation was surgery. He outlined the risks quite clearly. I could lose both ovaries. That scares me to death. I don't particularly need my eggs but I do need my ovaries to do all of the happy hormonal things that they do monthly. I need estrogen. Losing my ovaries scared me so much that I couldn't bring myself to do surgery last month. Now, I am braver and will do it this month.

Fast forward to this cycle when on Saturday I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew I would call my doctors office first thing Monday morning to schedule surgery. I called, we scheduled and we are all set for this Thursday, March 23 at 12:30. I am nervous but I there is no use trying to predict the future. I feel like this is the right thing to do. Dr C was going to start the surgery with the laparscope (sp) which is small incisions near the belly button as day surgery but after reading the surgical report from last time has decided to do a full incision hence the different name for the surgery, a laparotomy. It is more comparable to a c-section. This doesn't particularly bother me since I already have the scar and have done this before so I know what to expect.

Here are the thing I am nervous about:

1. getting the tube down my throat; this was a problem last time and it resulted in a tickle in my throat which led to coughing which hurt
2. saying embarrasing things under anethisia (sp) ; also a problem last time. nurse told me to have sweet dreams. I replied "I will. I will have sex dreams"
3. losing my ovaries. no snarky remark. just scary

We have made some decisions regarding what we will do if I lose my ovaries but I am getting a little tired and there is a long story involved so I will elaborate tomorrow.

I leave with a promise to be a better blogger and to leave more consistent updates.

I'm on the waiting list for a nap

Monday, February 27, 2006

I'm on a waiting list for a nap

What a week. I have been a very busy girl.

On Sunday we were at the RE's office bright and early at 8am. I brought scooby snacks to the nurses at the RE's office thinking that if I really didn't want to be there on a Sunday morning neither did they. I thought that maybe some raspberry muffins might brighten their day. If nothing else a little good karma sure wouldn't hurt. I don't really know how I thought that muffins would raise my chance of a pregnancy from 5% to some undetermined higher rate but who doesn't love flawed logic.

We were taken back into a room so they could do an ultrasound to check follicle growth. I love that a vaginal ultrasound is so commonplace to me now. Pre-IF I would have asked lots of questions but now it is as ordinary as say blowing my nose. She saw one mature follicle on my left ovary and one or two immature ones on my right ovary. She seemed excited about this, happy that I had responded to the clomid. I wasn't all that impressed. While I don't have an ultrasound every month I have done OPK's and I consistently have an LH surge every month. To me that means that I produce a mature follicle every month. Being on clomid didn't get my body to do anything that it doen't normally do. So what is the point? I guess I shouldn't really complain. I have heard of women who have horrible side effects on clomid. I didn't really notice much in that department besides hot flashes and even those weren't wretched. I am not trying to minimize the discomforts of hot flashes but the hot flashes I had on lupron were much, much worse. I then proceeded to dress and we met the nurse in the hallway. The time for the dreaded collection had come. We were asked by the nurse, "Do you collect together or alone"? We have reached new levels of humiliation. She really was quite courteous about it but the truth of the matter is it's just a very embarassing time.

The sample was collected and we waited in the waiting room for over an hour. Apparently when the sample is collected it is in a gelatenous state and needs time to liquify. So we waited, waited, and waited some more. When we were finally called back our nurse went over the analysis of the sperm which I shall not bore you with but I will say that the numbers were decent. They could have been a lot worse and could have been somewhat better. All in all they were all right. I got my feet up into the stirrups and focused on my breathing. The nurse got everything situated and it was done in a flash. All said and done it was not a horrible experience.

We went home, took a nap and went to part of church. I meant to ask the nurse if I could be on progesterone supplements since I have miscarried three times previously and the most recent I definately had issues with low progesterone. I waited until Monday before I called and she called in a RX for me without the hint of a fight. It was great.

Sunday night was mostly a time of rest and relaxation. I spoke to my favorite cousin who was planning on coming out for Paul's baptism the following week. She said that she was coming with her mother and sister. We invited them to stay with us which we were happy about but required a fair amount of work on our part. Our guest bedroom had gotten a little trashed which wouldn't have been super hard to clean up but also smelled like dog pee. Our very cute Dexter who has bladder control issues had used it as his personal toilet one too many times. It was more that febreze could handle. We decided that there was no way we could make them sleep in the pee room so we decided to do an overhaul in less than a weeks time. Starting on Monday we, ripped out the carpet, painted the walls, intalled laminate wood flooring and reassembled the room while mainaining our job and school responsibilites. We were very sleep deprived.

Pau's baptism was wonderful. We had our family over for dinner Saturday night and our company left Sunday morning. I am very pleased with how the room turned out. I painted two shaded of blue. Darker on the bottom and lighter on the top, with white deco moulding around the middle where the two shades meet up. It is a very soothing room.

The great thing about having a hectic week is that the first half of the 2ww went by very quickly. I have bloodwork scheduled for Monday 3/6. Time to hope that this week goes quickly also.

I need a nap

Saturday, February 18, 2006

I need a nap

Today was the baby shower for Miriam. It was lovely. I am a little ashamed to admit this but I did enjoy the attention.

I was encouraged to just get a meat tray and a veggie tray and call it good but I don't really work like that. I have to attempt to be Martha Stewart. I made some tastey food. It included goat cheese fondue, tea sandwiches, an apple tart, hummus, smoothies, raspberry cakelets, and broccoli quiches. It was fabulous. It put me under quite a lot of stress. It was worth it. We had a great turnout and the people loved the food. I made the invitations also which were also a little over the top. If I try and throw a baby shower anytime within the next year I ask that someone please try and talk me out of it. We had way too many late nights this trying to prepare. I really need to give credit to Paul here; he is a great, great man. He stayed calm throughout the process of trying to get ready which included putting the finishing touches on the bathroom remodel the night before. He helped prepare food, and cleaned the house and was altogether fabulous. Towards the end of the shower I remembered that I am supposed to be doing daily OPK's to detect my LH surge. It's the weekend so I really should have done that earlier in the morning. I did my OPK and it came back positive. This was not a huge surprise since I detect a surge every month. My main issue is that I have endo. I called the RE's office pronto and our insemination is scheduled for 8am. Hooray. Our first insemination is almost done. I am nervous and I don't really know what to expect. I suspect that all will be fine. I am going to think positively. My biggest fear is that they won't be able to see any follicles tomorrow because my ovarian cysts are so large. Only time will tell.

I need an outlet

Friday, February 17, 2006

I need an outlet. I wish I could say that I am new to this IF game but I am not.

We are attempting an IUI cycle this month. I took clomid cycle days 5-9. Now I am waiting for my LH surge. I am expecting to surge maybe Saturday or Sunday. Saturday I am hosting a baby shower for my friend. It is going to be a very busy weekend. I think I have a masochistic streak. Really I am happy for her and am happy to be hosting the shower but jealousy keeps trying to rear her ugly head and I am doing everything in my power to keep shoving her away. Truly, it is a silent but strong power struggle.