looking good

I had an u/s yesterday morning. My usual doctor didn't do my u/s which was fine because I like the other doctor quite a bit also. He said I had a beautiful 3 layer lining just like a salami sandwich. I told him most of the time I like to hear that I have nice legs from a man but in his case I would make an exception and I was extremely complimented to have someone tell me I have such a nice lining. And then I blushed. Actually, we all did. I am producing copious amounts of discharge which is less than desirable until I realized that was making me produce such a nice lining. Things are moving right along.

i didn't die

Turns out once you've mastered lupron injections a DE cycle can be a little boring. Actually, wait! I can think of one thing that happened that was mildly interesting. Last Friday, we returned from Hobbs. I have been so sleep deprived that I intended to take a nap, wake up at midnight, go out to purchase HP and go back to bed. I hit the pillow at 7:30pm and I didn't emerge from my bedroom until 10am the next day. Have I ever mentioned that there are few things I love as much as sleep? I love my bed. I love my favorite sheets. I love them all the more when I have been sleeping on a twin air mattress, or sleeping in a bed with my sister with her 8 week old baby in the same room, or just not been in my own bed for two weeks. I slept, and slept, and slept right through my injection. I called the clinic in the morning but they told me they were busy and would get back to me later. They did. I got a teeny, tiny lecture about missing my shot. But now, things are back to normal. Well, whatever normal is for a person in the midst of their first IVF cycle. So, to sum things up I went to go visit my sister in Ohio and had both a stressful but wonderful time. I love my niece. I love her more than I ever thought I could. I have mastered my own lupron injections and will NEVER again allow Paul to do my shots. I missed a shot. It was no big deal. I got HP and read it for 2 days straight. I neglected all duties to husband and house. And I have an u/s on Monday before I leave to go to Denver. Whew!

I can barely remember what this felt like

I was talking with a friend this morning and we were discussing an old music teacher. When we were probably 12ish this particular music teacher had her first baby. We remember this event quite clearly and it was kind of nice to reminisce. More than that though I remembered a feeling of true sincere joy that this woman was going to be a mother. I have felt joy about a pregnancy announcement since then and I've even felt happiness for people announcing a pregnancy since dealing with our own infertility but no matter how hard I try it's always clouded by my own sadness. Recalling that event reminded me what it felt like before infertility. This battle even though I am very grateful for it has been life changing. And I say this before we even have children. I don't dwell on how much infertility affects my life but this morning it dawned on me how truly engrossing it can be and how much it has become a part of who I am. I really wonder even after our family is complete if I will ever again experience the happiness I once felt with a pregnancy announcement.

I promise the lame posts will stop soon

Ok, I promise I will stop soon with the lame updates. I gave myself shot number two tonight. I drew up the lupron. I recapped the needle. I put the syringe back down on the couch and stared at it. No one was home tonight to indulge my whining so this was a pretty silent process. I cleaned my belly with the alcohol. And I just sat there. I took the cap back off the needle, I pinched my belly and I aimed. And then I recapped the needle once again and stared at the syringe on the couch. I did this little routine five times before I actually went through with the minimal poke. I pinched my belly five flipping times. For the record all of the pinching hurt way more than the actual needle poke. So it is my new goal to pinch once and poke. Yep, that's my new goal.

One down, a lot more to go.

Injections that is. I did my first injection of lupron tonight. Paul is leaving tomorrow and I leave for Ohio on Wednesday so I had to be a big girl and learn how to do my own injections. No time to waste. I have literally been fretting over this all day. I fretted over this all through church. I fretted all the way through dinner. Needless to say, I was pretty worked up by the time it came to do the actual injection. Now, I am not doing big scary injections. It's just lupron. With a teeny, tiny little sub-q needle. I drew my own medicine. I wiped my belly with alcohol. And then I started sweating. And I mean, really sweating. Even my feet were sweaty. I happened to be wearing crocs at the time and when walked to the kitchen to wash my hands for the 16th time (I'm big on avoidance technique) I squeaked and slipped all the way there. Time to suck it up, Emily. So I did it. I slumped down on the couch, grabbed a piece of my belly, and injected that little needle like a dart. I injected the lupron. And then I was done. What on earth was all that fuss about? I barely felt that tiny little needle. It was not a big deal at all. I can't believe I have to do this all again in 24 hours. Is it too early to already be feeling symptoms? I think I have a headache. Sigh.

drugs

The drugs have arrived. I'm sure it's not nearly as exciting for me as it is for the donor who has the "good" drugs. Just like anything else there was drama associated with the arrival of the drugs. They were scheduled for delivery yesterday via FedEx and when they hadn't arrived by the time I needed to leave to pick up Paul from the airport I felt confident they would be there by the time we returned. We had a few errands to run post airport and when we returned home a few hours later there were no drugs to be found. But there was a message from FedEx saying they needed our correct address. I don't know why they have such a difficult time. UPS can always find my house. So I called them back and the driver had already left the area so no delivery for us today. The customer service person said that we could pick up our stuff tonight or we could wait for delivery until Thursday. There was no way I was going to put this off over a holiday so we waited a couple of hours and headed down to the warehouse. Surely this would be easy, right? WRONG! I forgot the tracking number and had to send my beloved MIL over to my house to look it up. This kills me because I had info regarding dollar amounts written on the piece of paper and I don't trust the woman. The FedEx employee tried desperately to look my package up by my address and by my name all to no avail. So, I sucked it up and sent my MIL over to my house. She called me back with the tracking number and no mention has been made of it since. Once the FedEx employee is equipped with the tracking number she disappears to the back only to return a few moments later to announce to us that the driver carrying our package was in a car accident and wasn't back yet. It took every ounce of self control within me to keep from shouting, "why does everything always happen to me!" Every once in a while I just want to have a tantrum moment although I think everyone at FedEx was glad I restrained myself. The FedEx lady was kind enough to stay at work and call me when my driver arrived so I could come back for my package. Paul continues to amaze me every day. The first thing he said when the announcement was made about our drivers whereabouts was to ask if the driver was ok. I know it probably seems like it's a pretty small deal but it just came so easily and naturally to him to be concerned for this strangers welfare and just to completely have it bypass his mind what the deal was with the drugs. Ok, so we went to my parents for a bit and then they called us so we went and picked them up and now all is well. Until 53 minutes pass and I need to give myself my first injection.

A Random Thought

This random thought has absolutely nothing to do with IF. I remember my dreams fairly often and occasionally they are funny enough to be shared.

I have been looking for a silver belt forever. I have looked high and low all over Albuquerque and nothing! Very frustrating. Black shirt and brown belt is not cool and black belts are a little boring and a silver belt would be the perfect solution. Well, I found one last month at Uniqlo in NYC. It's perfect and I love it. It has a pattern of punched holes all around it. Well, last night I had a dream that my belt said something really vulgar in the pattern and I had purchased it and worn it around for a couple of weeks without ever noticing. I checked and there is nothing vulgar secretly written in the pattern. Whew! Oh the things that plague my simple mind.

torn

My birthday was last week and I really would like to blog about it complete with pictures and video but I haven't taken the time to upload to youtube, upload to photobucket etc. Birthday blog is coming and will be fabulous. I hope.

My sister came to Albuquerque today. And she brought my niece with her. Baby Savannah is almost six weeks old now. I am so amazed at how tiny she still is. I am overcome with love for this baby that doesn't even belong to me. She's just my niece and she doesn't live here. It is amazing to me that I can love her so much and not even know her. And then she starts to whimper and fuss and I cannot wait to get away from her. New babies really stress me out. They are really squirmy and they have no muscle control. And they whimper and whine. And now I'm worried that I'm going to be a horrible mother. I so hope that I can figure this out.