I can barely remember what this felt like

I was talking with a friend this morning and we were discussing an old music teacher. When we were probably 12ish this particular music teacher had her first baby. We remember this event quite clearly and it was kind of nice to reminisce. More than that though I remembered a feeling of true sincere joy that this woman was going to be a mother. I have felt joy about a pregnancy announcement since then and I've even felt happiness for people announcing a pregnancy since dealing with our own infertility but no matter how hard I try it's always clouded by my own sadness. Recalling that event reminded me what it felt like before infertility. This battle even though I am very grateful for it has been life changing. And I say this before we even have children. I don't dwell on how much infertility affects my life but this morning it dawned on me how truly engrossing it can be and how much it has become a part of who I am. I really wonder even after our family is complete if I will ever again experience the happiness I once felt with a pregnancy announcement.