Ouch!

I was having lunch with my very best friend today. We were discussing religion and she said, "I am not friends with the good people that religion has turned out." Ouch. So my question is, " am I not her friend or am I one of the obnoxious religious preachy hypocritical folks?" Prior to today I would have thought I fit in neither category.

Mock Cycle Over

Well I have one more thing I can cross off the list. The most annoying part of the whole mock cycle was having to take a pregnancy test prior. I would not be here in the office enduring painful procedures if I needed to take a pregnancy test. The sad thing is for a mere moment I actually had my hopes up. I got over that pretty quickly. I am glad however that my hips should soon be returning to a normal state of being and I am done with PIO for the time being. I start birth control pills with my period in a few days so surgery can be scheduled at my convenience. So a pregnancy test and birth control pills all in one week. Ha! What injustice!

I was supposed to have an appointment with an RE in MA this week and as a I called to cancel the appointment I told her that I lived in New Mexico and I was unable to get a flight that I could afford so I needed to cancel the appointment. She asked me if I wanted to call and reschedule the appointment once I got back in the states. sigh.

We tried to rent a movie

We found ourselves in the mood last night for some old school cult classics of the kung fu variety. We were looking for something by the Shaw brothers; perhaps "Fist of the White Lotus". We visited our local video store and found the employee to be somewhat lacking in her knowledge of this particular genre. We said, "we are looking for a movie by the Shaw brothers...ya know 70's cult classics." She said, "is that the name of the movie?" We left Hollywood video. It was so sad.

If I didn't know better...

I would think I was pregnant. I am exhausted all the time. My breasts are so sore I wish they would fall off. My uterus feels unbelievably heavy. I pee about 3cc's of urine every 15 minutes. So I guess we now know exactly which hormones cause the pregnancy symptoms. Speaking of my breasts they are HUGE and spilleth over. This had all better be worth it.

My uterus feels heavy and started feeling heavy almost as soon as I started on the estrogen patches. I was whining about my heavy uterus to my parents while laying down on my side on their bed. My dad walked up to me and tried to pick me up. He feigned being unable to pick me up and told me, "you're right. your uterus is very heavy" with a knowing look on his face. I'm glad I have a silly daddy who makes me laugh even if my uterus is heavy.

Day 4 of PIO

Ok, not such a big fan. One hip is slightly less uncomfortable and it's time to shoot me up with the drugs again. Today both hips hurt like hell. I'm sure it'll be ok though.

We got back the results of my bloodwork and Paul's semen analysis. My E2 was at 197 and they were looking to have it above 250. Nurse Lois said that they did the bloodwork a few days earlier than they normally do so in the real cycle they might leave me on the estrogen patches a little longer than they did with this cycle. Whatever.

Paul's semen analysis came back at what it normally does. He numbers were terrific except for the morphology. His morphology was at 5.2% which is borderline. My clinic does ICSI with a morphology report less than 5%. Nurse Lois said to be prepared to do ICSI. Again...whatever.

So basically things are looking ok and moving right along.

No more angy blogging

Upon our return from the east coast I ended up in a foul mood for two straight days. Too much to do in two short days made me crabby. However today is Sunday. I love the Sabbath. I feel like what I am doing has purpose. Laundry, dishes and other housework certainly has a purpose but the tasks that I have on Sundays somehow seem more important than housework. Today, thanks to the Sabbath, my foul mood has lifted. If that isn't a miracle I don't know what is. So it is my goal to do no more angry blogging. Hopefully my thoughts will be more cohesive and clear.

The last time I had surgery my beloved MIL made me so angry I could have spit nails. I told her to please not come to the hospital until after I was in my hospital room. I asked her to do this so if I had lost my ovaries Paul could tell me in privacy. I asked my parents to do the same thing. There was no reason for anyone other than Paul to be hanging out at the hospital and furthermore I didn't want people to know if I had lost my ovaries. Paul's mother came to the hospital during my surgery and waited around until my doctor had delivered the surgery report. I was furious. What a violation of my privacy. I don't want to tell her I've had surgery until after the fact. Paul isn't particularly happy about this. I think she asked for it by not abiding by my wishes the first time around. We shall see. He doesn't want to seem to want to fight about it. I talked to BFF Brooke about it and her take was that it wasn't fair and it would upset my MIL. I guarantee that she will be less upset than I was when she violated my privacy.

My very first PIO

It wasn't too bad. I would gladly do it to be pregnant for a full nine months with a healthy baby. Wouldn't we all? I'm oh so glad that I have a wonderful husband who doesn't mind playing chemist every evening. I don't even have to look at the needle. He takes care of everything for me. I barely even felt the poke. He's a good one.

Yesterday was a busy one. I had an u/s. Paul had yet another semen analysis. I had to get blood drawn. And I started PIO. There should be a rule on how many pokes infertiles have to endure in one day. I think my limit is two.

When I go in for my endometrial biopsy a week from Monday I will begin looking at donors. I filled out my version of the paperwork to indicate what type of physical features I would want in a donor. It was really difficult to fill out. It just sort of hit me that this wouldn't be my biological child. I don't know why it hit me so hard. It really caught me off guard. I've been ok with the idea that this child wouldn't be mine biologically, but picking out the physical features of my child's birthmom was just a little strange.

My surgery has been scheduled. It's going to be 27April. It will be day surgery and I feel confident after talking to my doctor that there won't be a surprise laparotomy.

ENRAGED!

On the way to our RE this afternoon we were driving and we were stopped at a light and there was a pregnant woman crossing the street in front of us. As if that isn't nauseating enough I noticed that the expectant mother was smoking. I was immediately outraged...almost to the point of tears. Why do people do this? Does she not understand the gift that she has been given? I have been in a snarly mood all day.

Paul and I are getting sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for our anniversary in May. We are excited and we are planning a small get together afterwards. I want to keep it small and intimate, inviting those are we are very close to. I want to keep it to about 12 people. I have asked my uncle and his wife to be there and my aunt and her husband and their eldest child. My aunt and uncle used to be married. I am not close to their second child but he called me today out of the blue to imply that he wanted to be invited. It pissed me off. Again, why do people do this? I know that people are going to get pregnant and go on with their lives despite my infertility but he and his wife are expecting their first child and the family rumor mill has it that he said to my grandmother, "J will be either pregnant or nursing for the next 10 years". I have no idea if this is true as it is in fact gossip but it got under my skin. What a tacky thoughtless thing to say. I need for this time to be about Paul and me and I need it to be a "safe" place, safe from fertiles and pregnant women. Is this too much to ask. I did not cave and invite him. It felt kinda good to have balls if only for a short moment.

Christmas style

I've never missed New Mexico food before. I love New Mexican food; I always have. I've just never been away from home long enough to really miss it before now. We were out to eat while we were at home the last time and BFF Brooke ordered a breakfast burrito, Christmas style. It was a pure moment of comfort that the waitress immediately knew that she wanted both red and green chile on her burrito. I don't even really like green chile but I've found myself craving that sweet scent. Please don't tell Paul; I've done a pretty good job of convincing him that I can't tolerate it. I'll never live it down if he finds out that I've been craving it. I can't wait to get home tonight. Bob's Burgers sounds mighty tasty. Maybe this will help me to tolerate Hobbs a little better. It may be a little dull but the food hits the spot.

New Mexico Politics

I am overjoyed that my home state has finally banned this ridiculous "sport".

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17584419/site/newsweek/?GT1=9145

Something that makes me giggle

We were channel surfing last night and came across MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen". Everything about this ridiculous show goes against everything I believe about parenthood and rearing children. We caught the tail end where the beloved, worshiped teenager had just gotten a trip to Paris as a gift from her parents. She was screaming excitedly and as if that wasn't nauseating enough they interviewed her after her voice had returned to a pitch that humans could endure and she said the following. I'm paraphrasing.
" It's just starting to hit me. I'm just so excited. It's like, I'm starting to realize that people in France watch this show and they're probably like, 'Oh my gosh, that's so awesome that she's coming here.' I'm just so happy"
Her disillusionment about how excited the French will be upon her blessed arrival will have me laughing for days.

Upon further consideration...

I realized that my last post came off like I don't like New York. This is absolutely not the case. I enjoy New York or I wouldn't have come back. It moves at a fast pace but the only reason I have a "problem" with that is because I am out of my element. It's unfamiliar territory, that's all. So I am going to list a few of the things that I absolutely LOVE about New York.
1. It moves at a mighty fast pace. I actually prefer this to the podunky pace of Hobbs.
2. At any given moment walking down the street in a five minute period you can hear several different languages.
3. Art...EVERYWHERE. It feels like there are a thousand museums all within walking distance.
4. Excellent public transportation coupled with the motivation to walk to wherever I want to go.
5. The shopping is divine.
6. The food is also divine...pricey yes but oh so good.
7. There is always something to do.

I suppose that's all for now. I just didn't want to appear as though I didn't enjoy New York.

Our Weekend in NYC

We spent the weekend in NYC. This was the second time we've done this. NYC stresses me out. It's a little too intense for this Southwest girl. The pace is quick there; people are always in a hurry and oh my gosh the honking. I have never witnessed so much honking in my life. We were trying to find food last night and couldn't find anything less than $30 a plate. We weren't hungry enough to justify $80 for dinner. We walked around and walked around and then we gave up and went back to our hotel. The hotel was no picnic either. There is just something that grates on my nerves about paying for internet while being charged nearly $200 per night. They wanted to charge me $4 for 30 minutes of internet use, $10 for a day etc. I protested and did not purchase internet privileges and got very excited about coming to MA.

Despite the annoying things of this weekend I purchased a few items that brought me immeasurable joy. First a pair of jeans that are positively amazing. They make my butt look so stinking good. Enough about my butt. They were a little pricey but a good pair of denim is totally worth it I have decided. I also bought a lovely pair of loafers that are not making my feet rebel. Comfy and cute I might add. I know, money might not buy happiness but if my feet are happy and my butt looks nice then I am much more inclined to be happy as well.

I have estrogen

There is an estrogen patch on my butt. I am on CD 2. We have begun our mock cycle. There have been some timing issues but I think we have resolved them. We are traveling a whole lot I need to have an u/s before I can start PIO (shudder) and I want to do that so it doesn't interfere with our next trip to the east coast. Next Friday we will have an u/s to determine progress and hopefully start PIO (still makes me shudder).

We are refinancing the house to pay for IVF. Our total loan amount is around $100K. I've spoken to several lenders to rate shop etc and I have felt a distinct judgment from most of them. The general feeling is that my loan amount is teeny tiny. Since when is $100K pocket change? I know it isn't a ton of money but I feel like the lenders think we are foolish for staying in our current house. One lender told me specifically that he wasn't the typical lender who tried to get customers into the biggest loans they could qualify for but he really thought we should consider relocating into a bigger house. He asked if we kids and I told him no and his response was, "well, you aren't going to want to be in that small house when you start a family". I told him that the reason that we were getting cash out was because we needed IVF and that shut him right up. Thank goodness. It appalls me that the idea of a family of 3 in a 1300sf home is silly to a lender but the idea of taking on a lot more debt seems like a grand idea. What happened to encouraging good financial decisions? I know he essentially works in a sales environment but his agenda was so transparent. Oh well, his rate was too high anyway. I like the lender we chose a whole lot better. I told her we were doing IVF and she was so nice and supportive. She told us that she had family who had done IVF and it was successful for them and hoped it would be for us as well. We are in the middle of the paper chase for the needed docs and it's proving a little difficult from the east coast. We will close within 30 days.

If I ever run into a known terrorist...

I swear to Zeus I am going to kick him/her in the friggin shins. We have the liquid rule, the shoe rule, the laptop rule, the jacket rule, the weight rule. Flying is such a royal pain in the neck. It makes me unbelievably crabby but now that I am in my hotel room where I can control our environment I am much more pleasant individual. Speaking of traveling is it just me or is it possibly the most obnoxious thing in the world when the bastard...uuhhh I mean passenger, in front of you pushes or lays their seat back. I mean really, it's crowded enough in coach but to put your seat back is possibly the meanest thing you can do to the passenger behind you. The idiot in front of me laid his seat back for the entire flight from Minn/St Paul to Philly. I snarled at him the entire flight. Too bad he couldn't see me.

On to funnier matters. Saturday afternoon we went to the video store to rent a movie and Brooke and I were discussing how annoying it is to have people mispronounce words. You know the type...Illinois is pronounced with an "s" at the end etc. It is one of our biggest pet peeves. There was a break in our conversation just long enough to overhear a woman on her cell phone. She said, "well, I've already seen that 'Tailgater Nights' movie" We collapsed into the giggles as soon as we were out of earshot. Timing is everything. "Talladega Nights" I never saw it but I do know that it's not "Tailgater Nights" (sigh)

and just like that

The process has started. I was instructed to call the RE's office, the IVF coordinator to be exact, with my march cycle. I am not due for my period until sometime next week but I called her on Wednesday because next week we will be on the east coast again. She was out of the office on Wednesday, I missed her call on Thursday, and I didn't speak to her until Friday morning. We talked and it appears that I need to do my mock cycle...NOW. Well maybe not now exactly but with the cycle that is supposed to be starting next week. She asked if I could make an appointment in a few hours and I said, "uhh uhhh sure". We outlined the calendar and figured out when the donor would have her retrieval even. Yikes! Everything is just moving so quickly. I am still going to seek a second opinion and even if they recommend DE just like Dr C is, I will cycle with my current RE's office. I like them. I believe that it is cheaper than cycling in Boston. In a wild gesture of optimism I am moving forward until a different RE says, "STOP. You don't need to do DE. You don't even need to do IVF." I believe that Dr C is a good doctor and I believe that other competent doctors will come to the same conclusions that he has. Optimism. It feels good. In our talk with J, the IVF coordinator, she was quite good at filling me and Paul with optimism. Apparently they have had 100% success rates for all of their donor cycles so far this year. Yes, I realize that it is only March 3 and that isn't very far into the year but still it has to mean something, right? Something good...it just has to. We are filled with hope. We got an even better rate on our refinance. We are refinancing for a mere 20 years and we are going to make extra payments so it will be paid off in 15 years. I hope we aren't in this house for 15 years but it works for now. The ball is rolling folks. Let's just hope it rolls in the right direction.

I did it!

I did it. I finally started the baby shower invitations. I should get a medal...right? No, of course I shouldn't. I volunteered to make them and I am happy to make them for her. I just wish I was making invitations for myself. (sigh) Ok...pity party is over.

I am feeling really conflicted about DE. I feel like my motivation for wanting to do DE is purely a selfish one. I am ambivalent about the biological connection. I want to do DE simply because I want to be pregnant. It's a short nine months. The life afterward is the goal. So wouldn't it make more sense to use the $20K towards adoption? What if it doesn't work? We'll be left with me needing to go back to work to start saving for the adoption process. All for a chance at nine months of pregnancy. It won't even be nine months of bliss. I've had three miscarriages. It will be nine months of stress. Yet here I am signing up for DE so I can have a chance at success. The church discourages the use of donor gametes but they don't prohibit it. The church has never been shy about saying what is right and wrong but they simply say that they discourage it (without saying why) and also say that it is a personal decision. I just don't know what to do. You know when you are watching a movie and it's suspenseful and the main character is getting ready to do something entirely stupid and you feel compelled to shout something at the TV like, "Stop! Look behind you". I feel like maybe God is the one wanting to shout at me, "Stop! Don't waste your money. You are meant to adopt." But I'm moving forward with my hands over my ears refusing to listen. I hope not. I'm trying to listen. I really am. Hey...maybe God will leave a comment on my blog telling me what to do. :)