I did it. I finally started the baby shower invitations. I should get a medal...right? No, of course I shouldn't. I volunteered to make them and I am happy to make them for her. I just wish I was making invitations for myself. (sigh) Ok...pity party is over.
I am feeling really conflicted about DE. I feel like my motivation for wanting to do DE is purely a selfish one. I am ambivalent about the biological connection. I want to do DE simply because I want to be pregnant. It's a short nine months. The life afterward is the goal. So wouldn't it make more sense to use the $20K towards adoption? What if it doesn't work? We'll be left with me needing to go back to work to start saving for the adoption process. All for a chance at nine months of pregnancy. It won't even be nine months of bliss. I've had three miscarriages. It will be nine months of stress. Yet here I am signing up for DE so I can have a chance at success. The church discourages the use of donor gametes but they don't prohibit it. The church has never been shy about saying what is right and wrong but they simply say that they discourage it (without saying why) and also say that it is a personal decision. I just don't know what to do. You know when you are watching a movie and it's suspenseful and the main character is getting ready to do something entirely stupid and you feel compelled to shout something at the TV like, "Stop! Look behind you". I feel like maybe God is the one wanting to shout at me, "Stop! Don't waste your money. You are meant to adopt." But I'm moving forward with my hands over my ears refusing to listen. I hope not. I'm trying to listen. I really am. Hey...maybe God will leave a comment on my blog telling me what to do. :)
1 comment:
That's pretty about funny about God leaving a comment...
If it helps, I do know with absolute certianty that adoption is the path for me. I don't know why, and sometimes I wish it wasn't because the process is pure hell. But that's the I've-been-waiting-too-damn-long me talking. After this is all said and done, I'll be back to talking like adoption is all wonderful.
I received the go-ahead from the Lord and it was crystal clear -- both times. So, until He shouts at you to stop, or shouts at you to move forward, I'd do whatever you *want.* And if you want to be pregnant, then try for that. Will you be able to make a more sure decision after getting a second opinion?
Good luck and I'll be looking forward to hearing all about it!
Michelle
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