And then it comes all at once

Sorry for the lack of an update. I've been a little too bummed out to go back and rehash everything.

Paul and I showed up at the clinic bright and early so he could make his contribution. We left. It felt a little weird to be so removed from the process. Here we were leaving half of our babies genetic material at the lab, leaving everything in their control and we were just expected to go home and what...grocery shop. Yeah, that was strange. They said the egg donor was supposed to show up at 10:30am for her retrieval. I asked when information would be available and they said how busy they were and to call the next day in the afternoon for fertilization rates etc. So imagine my surprise when my doctor calls. I missed the call on my cell, knew it was my clinic and called them back. When my wonderful doctor hopped on the line I couldn't even figure out what was up. He started talking and I could barely keep up. My brain just couldn't absorb what he was saying or why it was important. I ovulated. On lupron. Who in the hell ovulates on lupron? That is bad. Once ovulation occurs one's body starts producing progesterone. Hence our problem. Once progesterone enters the picture there is a small window when an embryo will attach to the uterus. This I didn't know until my cycle started falling apart. My poor, poor doctor who had to explain this to me, not once, not twice, but three freaking times before I finally got up to speed. God bless him. There is no way to confirm when I ovulated so putting embies back didn't seem like the best idea. We decided to freeze the embies on day 2 and try again next month. Now, for the good news. Wait, scratch that. Great news. 21 eggs retrieved. And 21 eggs fertilized. We don't have any idea on quality because of how early they were frozen but since we're focusing on the positive I will repeat again. 21 frozen embies! Awesome! It's an odd feeling I tell you, to have my embryos sitting in a lab. All I want to do is sit in the lab with them 24 hours a day and hold their little petri dish. I love those little embryos like I have never loved anything else before.

I sat around and thought about the beginning of our TTC journey. Our first pregnancy was conceived that exact same weekend that I might have ovulated. And then hope started creeping in that I might magically conceive on a natural cycle. It's all that "meant to be" crap. What a load of crap is my current standing on the theories of "meant to be". I started my period on Fridayish and mostly Saturday.

So, we are back at square one. Currently we are back on BCP's and iron and colace, and baby aspirin. And on Sunday, we start lupron. Again. At least we're doing a higher dose. Here come the hot flashes. Again.