And if you thought the 2WW was bad...

The waiting that comes after a positive blood result is even more terrifying. Because my initial beta draw was on a Friday I had to wait until Monday for a repeat beta. Okay, that wasn't a big deal. Not even I want to drag my butt out of bed on a Sunday morning at 6:15am to be at the lab so I can get results back on the same day. Monday we went for a repeat beta which was good. Betas generally give most folks some form of comfort. They don't really do that for me. I've had three m/c. All with appropriately rising betas. But it doubled. My progesterone was a little on the low side so they added prometrium and I've been doing five pills, one injection, and two suppositories a day for a few weeks now. The waiting for that first u/s is hard. I honestly think it's worse than the actual 2WW. We've been here too many times before. The anticipation building. Knowing what we expect to see only to be disappointed. My last miscarriage dragged on for weeks before throwing in the towel. Equipped now with more knowledge I felt with some surety that the disaster that was my previous pregnancy would not be a reoccurring situation. This was complicated slightly given that we had travel plans for the week that my first u/s would normally be scheduled. But there again with that handy dandy knowledge. Beta 10dp6dt was 79. Beta 13dp6dt was 317. And beta the Thursday before we departed should have somewhere in the neighborhood of 13000. Heartbeat should be visible when beta reaches 6000 So I felt justified in begging them to allow me to have my u/s before our Pittsburgh trip.

All of those same feelings that preceded my beta returned. In full force. After the transfer I was full of hope and optimism. As beta day drew nearer, the optimism was sucked out of me only to be replaced with the worst defense mechanism ever...pessimism. Then, upon receiving the joyous news, the cycle begins all over again. We were filled again with hope and optimism. And then it starts to fade as the reality that the rug can be pulled from under us at any time sets in. This time however, Paul was nervous too. I could have scheduled first thing in the morning but Paul wasn't flying in until the afternoon so I waited for him. I begged my mother to let me call and reschedule the appointment and lie to him, telling him that the office needed to reschedule. She didn't approve. Yes. I know it's mean. He's just as much a part of this as I am. But again, I felt the same way I did as the day of my beta. If the news is bad, I want to be alone. All alone. To deal in peace and quiet. I didn't. We waited until our appointment and walked in and took our seats. Every minute of waiting seems like torture. Fortunately they never torture us for very long. Now, because my previous pregnancies were not under the care of an RE I was used to being sent to an radiology tech for an u/s. And so far, I've not been impressed. They take forever. They can't diagnose anything and they won't ever talk to me. I know. I know. Liability. They're not doctors. They're techs. Blah. Blah. Blah. I've just become a little spoiled. But for this u/s things were instantaneous. Immediately, the doctor utters, "And we have one perfect heartbeat." The relief was immeasurable. Every previous u/s I've gotten the, "well it's not what we'd like to be seeing but it may still turn around..." It never did. And we never saw a heartbeat but this...this was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He turned the screen around and pointed to the tiniest little flickering dot. And my eyes filled with tears. He turns to answer a few of Paul's questions and I continue watching the screen. Suddenly there is no more flickering. I interrupt them, and in a complete panic, blurt out, "Excuse me, but did my baby just die? The screen...It's no longer flickering." They both laughed at me. I can't really blame them. I was just too preoccupied to notice the doctor printing out copies of the u/s which in turn froze the screen. He was kind enough to make it go live again. I was sent away with an appointment to return again in two weeks and with hope renewed once more.